Speedbumps

One town we lived in had an old sandstone quarry that the city had taken over and developed as a recreational area. We loved to take the girls there in the summer to play in the sand and splash in the water. Leona’s first swim lessons were in that cold-cold water. It was a tucked away haven in our Midwestern town. Our construction neighbor, Gary, was contracted by the city to make speed bumps on the road into the quarry. Apparently being secluded was a challenge to teens who would speed on the narrow approach. I remember the first time I encountered one of Gary’s bumps. Yikes. They were more like tree trunks lying across the road. I didn’t only have to slow down; I practically had to stop to maneuver my car over the obstacle. Traveling over one of these too fast and one would risk all sorts of lower car body damage.

Well, the same can be said about the speed bumps I’ve encountered on this journey. One speed bump I faced early on was pain. I was used to the joint pain caused by the results of being overweight. I was not used to muscle, tendon, and ligament pain. I’ve had to learn to treat these issues and accept one that is particularly nasty and prevents me from running. One speed bump is cheating. I really don’t like to use that word; I prefer to call it unplanned eating. However, if I look at it from a results point of view, I am cheating. I cheat myself out of the experience of saying no and strengthening my ability to do so. I also cheat myself out of the numbers I want to see on the scale. Another speed bump is my attitude. Oh yeah- it is part and parcel of this experience. It drives my will, my outlook, and my self-esteem. When those are firing on all cylinders, I feel unstoppable, but every once in a while one is out of step, and I crash into a speed bump.

You see, the speed bumps are necessary. It’s important not to rush this process. If done too easily or quickly, then I’ve cheated myself out of essential lessons and challenges that will carry me forward long after the weight is off. The speed bumps have changed over this journey. At first I had to decide to be open to doing new things. Next I had to adjust to a different kind of diet. I started to gain momentum and got over confident and deviated from my eating. Guess what? Thwump! I crashed right into one of Gary’s speed bumps. When January hit, I really bottomed out. I felt good because I stayed on track over the holidays – a little too good. I wanted momentum to carry me forward through the grey days of winter. These have always been a struggle for me and food has been a comfort to me. I hit a plateau where I really had to analyze what and why I’d changed my approach to this whole process.

Honor the process. Will I say, “Embrace the speed bump?” I don’t know. We’d have to go lay in the street to do so, and that’s probably going too far, but I recently learned that, in the bible, the word “humble” does not refer to a groveling worm, but someone who is teachable. The speed bumps certainly humble me, and I learn from them because they get my attention. Until there’s another way to get my attention, I guess I need to accept the speed bumps in this process.

Is the Honeymoon Over?

Okay, so people have been wondering why I’ve not blogged in a while.  Of course the first answer is that I have not had much time to give to this task. Another answer, equally valid, is that I have not made as many self-discoveries as I did when I began this process. Another, more subtle, answer is that the honeymoon is over.

Time is not my enemy in this process. Actually it is my friend. I have all the time that God gives me on this planet to accomplish the task of living my life. It now includes more activity and eating less of some things and more of others: nonetheless, I truly have all the time I need.

Some of you know how erratic my schedule is. Because I do a variety of jobs at the Community College, my time is divided into the semester workload as well as the busy periods where I am on-call to help out. Since I am a creature of habit, any fluctuation in my schedule impacts everything in my life, and certain areas are the first to feel the impact. Some areas are neglected because I know they will weather the storm. For example, I might not clean house or write my blog. Other areas are not as developed and buckle under the pressure – this is where my food struggles and workout management show their weaknesses. I’ve noticed that some of the little snacky habits such as after-dinner-eating, or before dinner eating, or give-me-an-excuse-to-eat eating have crept back in. I’ve also noticed that I’m not getting as many workouts in or they’re not as intense. The impact of these means slower downward motion on the scale.

In the beginning, I was so enthusiastic about my new found strength and motivation. I analyzed what I was doing and how it made a difference in many facets of my life. Yet, at some point in this journey, I learned that I am the same person I’ve always been. I have changed how I spend my time or what I eat, but I’m still the same person (warts and all). Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, Kansas was there all along; I only needed to see it for myself. So my bursts of brilliance when I discovered that I can accomplish these weight-loss and fitness goals are more like peeling off the layers of who I am. Some of that person was hidden in layers of fat and self-loathing – that is NOT who I am, nor is it who I want to be. The downside to this is that I am and always have been someone who struggles staying committed.

I find new interests and work them hard for a few months, but then I lose interest in them. I have had 5 different careers! I have had numerous hobbies. I go into these full-force with guns a-blazin’ and then burn out. Something becomes difficult or I simply think the grass is greener, and I give up. The honeymoon is over. I’m afraid that I’m going through this right now with my fitness plan. I have reached the goal where I can buy clothes in a regular size (no matter that it’s still L or XL). I can exercise effectively (no matter that my push-ups are still on my knees). Things have not become routine enough for me to do them on auto-pilot. I have some injuries and want to use them as an excuse to stop exercising. I still want to feed my weary soul with food that doesn’t satisfy. See – I’m still the same person.

I need to remind myself that this is a journey. I have all the time I need to accomplish this. The struggles are good because they make me think and provide checks and balances. Eating right and exercise are a part of who I am – confident and in control. Saying ”no” to an unhealthy habit is not depriving myself, it’s empowering myself to be stronger.

Ah, gentle readers, some of this is really hard. Getting out of the house to go to a workout class is hard. Facing my eating demons head on is hard to do over, and over, and over again. Knowing that the workouts will get more intense and it takes more effort to burn the fat is hard. Keeping this up forever is hard. However, some of this is easy. Working with Patrick is easy. Receiving encouraging compliments is easy. Giving my all in a workout is easy. Eating good food is easy. Taking this all one hour or minute at a time is easy. Don’t give up – it might seem easy at the time, but it’s easier to keep going than to get going once you’ve stopped.

Balance

My scale must be broken! Its ability to gauge weight loss must be impaired because it has slowed down. Okay- I know the problem doesn’t lie with the scale-the problem is with my insistence on using the scale for my sole measurement of success.

I knew this day would come; I’ll leave it to the scientists to explain the physics behind this, but I know that the weight loss I can achieve when I have 100# to lose is greater week by week than now when I have 45# left. Nevertheless, it’s difficult to stay positive and motivated when my weight loss slows down. Of course, since much of my eating is tied to my emotions, I am drawn to eating to pacify myself. I don’t have a lot of quick junk in the house to eat. I used to slather ¼- ½  C of peanut butter on buttered bread and down a Diet Coke. Then I’d add a few cookies- the big Costco kind. I don’t know how many calories that is, but I’d venture it’s more than the 300 that I try to keep my meals at and certainly more than I need for a snack. So what does a needy girl do? First I popped some popcorn. Then I took some grated mozzarella cheese, put it on a plate, and microwaved it for 45 sec. It melts into a gooey, chewy substance. I must confess – it was good! But it wasn’t what I really needed.

I needed to look at my progress as a whole. I’ve taken off 80 pounds! I’ve changed not only my habits but my outlook about a healthy lifestyle. A co-worker recently asked me if I felt different. I know what she was getting at; she wanted me to describe improved energy and general health- she is overweight and suffers from poor health and fatigue. I have been blessed with good health, so she seemed disappointed when I said that the biggest difference I feel is inside. I fit better- physically and metaphorically. I relate to others on more levels. I am treating myself very well by committing to daily activity and thoughtfully planned meals. There is little to tap into my insecurities now as I too can share my experiences in exercise and training, and I can sympathize with those who struggle with their weight. I used to allow my weight to give me an excuse to separate myself from others. I would participate, and I assumed people were judging me because of my weight. I know what it is to face discrimination especially when someone who has never struggled with obesity assumes that weight loss of gain is a matter of willpower, yet I’d stay off to the side so people couldn’t get to know me better.

The confidence that I’ve gained has allowed me to experience a better life. So, when I get on the scale and it hasn’t budged, I can’t – I won’t go back to those insecure actions that prove I’ve let a number defeat me or define how I feel for the day. That number will decrease. It might take longer, but it will happen; however, it won’t happen if I crumble emotionally and focus on only one aspect of my weight loss journey.

There is a balance to all this. When one side of that balance, weight or clothes size, decreases, the other side increases. I have increased my health to the extent I no longer have to face the doctor with fear or trepidation. I have increased my fitness ability. I never thought I’d be considering a triathlon or doing jumping jacks. I’m saying things like, “I can try that.” What a powerful statement! If I could give one piece of advice, it would be to tell yourself that you can TRY anything. I have increased my ability to say I CAN.

The scale doesn’t measure that.

Dancing with The Trainer

 One of the reality shows that has become a phenomenon is Dancing With the Stars. Versions of it are made worldwide in 47 different countries. I guess what I like about it is that I can see these celebrities grow and learn as they work with a pro.

The athletes and entertainers seem to have an advantage over the reality stars or newscasters. Those reality stars have a tough go of it. They have become “stars” by having little to no talent or direction, and they often seem confused when faced with the challenge of the task. When I started my journey, it was as a reality star. I felt I could do this but had no idea about the effort it would take. I didn’t want to face the fact that I had little to no skill and that I had let my defenses trick me into believing I was okay with the physical and mental pain I was living with.

As my journey has progressed, I can relate to the entertainer. I know what it is like to put on a show. I work real hard and things come together. Sometimes I have a tantrum because not everyone sees my brilliance or I don’t see it. I had a tantrum last week. I received lots of compliments about how I looked, so I really felt like I was doing a great job; like a star, my ego was stroked. Then I went to the store to look for clothes. I know better than this, but I let the size on the jacket I was eyeing dictate my worth. And it seemed as if I hadn’t accomplished anything. I also realized that I’m tired, and I still have a long way to go. I felt like giving up, but the show must go on. One thing the entertainers know is that they are going to be tired. They also know how to take direction and criticism (whether it comes from a trainer or themselves) Like a star, I know that this show still needs more work.

It seems obvious that the athletes have an edge on this show. They know what it takes to train to achieve a goal, and they understand the relationship they have with the coach. The hardest part for them is often the showmanship, but that’s where their coach comes in. The big thing that they know that I am coming to realize is that this journey is never ending. Each week there’s a “game” to play. Each week, they get ready for the next game. Their work is not done on Tuesday after the show. They are back working that very night. They look to their coach for guidance but they also know that they have work to do.

 In a way, I have a new respect for that relationship. I can, of course, relate to someone like Kirstie Alley. She too is a big girl who wants to succeed and will use humor to keep going. Her partner is Maks, who has been pinned as a hard and harsh trainer. He doesn’t mince words and sometimes comes off as unfeeling. Many a tear and tantrum have occurred under his tutelage. Patrick is more like Tony: a nice guy who knows his stuff. Sometimes I feel sorry that Tony has not gone far with his partners. He gets the old ones or the pretty ones, but he doesn’t get the Olympians or the sharp entertainers. This season, Tony has a great partner, and I hope to see them week after week.

Working with Patrick has helped me understand the relationship these stars have with their pro. Here’s someone who wants me to do well. He will modify my workouts to accommodate my issues, but will push me harder than I thought I’d ever go and certainly harder than I would do on my own. Like the stars, I have my tantrums, but I also have my moments of great personal gain. When I get on the scale week after week, and the numbers keep going down, it’s like getting a 10 from Len. When they go up, it’s like when Carrie Ann gives that little smile with the tilt of the head to deliver the bad news. When I accomplish a new task – one that I never thought I’d do, it’s like when Bruno gets out of his seat with his hands flailing and spewing metaphors. It’s a great moment.

Eating the Frog

Some theorists say that procrastination is a way to protect ourselves.  We protect ourselves from things that might be uncomfortable or find us vulnerable.

My daughters have recently described productive procrastination. They don’t do what they are supposed to do, but they do something useful instead. The logic here is that they are not totally wasting time; they’re just not doing what they really need to be working on at the moment.

Here’s some “food for thought:” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0W7GB5Fh2XM it’s a fun, short video about procrastination.

The part that rings true for me in this video is the part about how there is nothing so fatiguing as an undone task.

I know that if I don’t exercise first thing in the morning, and I don’t  have it scheduled into the day, it might not get done. I will find other things to do. It’s fairly easy to get at this first thing in the summer when the sun is up by 5Am and it’s warm. It gets harder, physically and emotionally, to do this in the winter when it’s cold and dark. I don’t want to get on my bike in the dark. I know there are a number of flashing, strobing, and blinding lights I can attach to my bike or myself that will make me able to see and be seen, but I’m not a fan of, what my daughter calls, circus techniques. As for running or walking, this isn’t so bad because I’m not going so fast and I go against traffic. My reflective gear is helpful. The worst part is when drivers are pulling out of their driveways.

 The cold weather has other considerations. I’m learning about layering my clothing. I don’t want to wear things that are heavy or things that will flop around, and because I check my watch and need to push buttons, my cozy mittens aren’t the best choice. The worst part is having a runny nose. I have carried tissues with me, but there isn’t a good place to put them in my non-floppy, no pocket, reflective, yet breathable gear. I used to think that the globs I saw on the street were spit – no, they’re snot. I’ve noticed a number of nose-blowing techniques. I use a blow-pinch-throw method that usually works.

I’ve seen runners throughout the winter months and thought they were out of their minds. I guess I’ll be joining the crazies this winter. I’ll just eat the frog and get my exercise in.

Did You Do Something Different with Your Hair?

So, it’s been around 3 months since I started training with Patrick and people want to know what it’s like and what progress I’ve made.

Let’s start with a comparison chart:

Before Patrick	After Patrick
I ate balanced food and was developing better portion control.	I eat balanced food and am much better at portion control, but I don’t eat starchy foods after lunch.
I ate pizza and pasta and potatoes	I still eat them but not at dinner, and I don’t tell Patrick about the pizza unless I want to see that vein in his head start to throb.
I was beginning my exercise program and was devoted to doing “something” two times a week	I exercise daily. The big difference is that I ask myself, “When can I exercise and what do I swap out to do it?” If it’s family time or work time, I don’t do it. If it’s TV time, I do.
I watched a lot of TV	I’m not watching much TV, but my fall shows haven’t yet started. Thank God for the DVR
I talked about books, kids, and the weather.	I talk about books, kids, the weather and exercise. I find so many more people that I can have a conversation with and we quickly develop a bond. Since what I read might not appeal to others and my parenting experience might differ from others’, it’s much easier to connect about fitness.
I ate constantly out of restlessness or boredom.	I can wait to eat if I need to. This one’s a biggie and it’s taken some time to get here. I don’t exactly know what made the change happen. I think it has partly to do with being very organized with my menu. It also has to do with this being a dual effort between Jonathan and me. I still get bored and restless and get tempted to snack. Sometimes I do; most times I ask myself when my next meal is and usually, I can wait.
I snacked after dinner	I rarely eat after dinner. This will be more challenging when I’m watching TV at night. Not sure what my plan will be. Now I go into a different room and read or go up to bed. I’m up for suggestions.

What are my physical changes? Well, of course I’ve lost weight. I’m approaching my 75# mark and I’m very excited about it. I’m wearing the clothes that I put aside when I was gaining weight, but those are getting loose, so I’ll need to get new clothes before too long. I’m still in plus sizes and, any of you ample women who like to shop at thrift stores for bargains will agree with me when I say that my choices at thrift stores are limited and not very appealing. I’ll look there, but I don’t have hope for much. Once I get into “normal sizes” like 12-14, I can most likely find some wearable clothes for cheap. I’ll need to take my oldest daughter, Leona, with me to shop because I have no idea how a think person should dress. I’ve been covering up this big body for so long; I’m not sure what I should wear. Just because I CAN wear it, doesn’t mean I SHOULD.

 Because I’m still in plus sizes, not everyone has noticed my weight loss. Lots of people ask if I’ve done something with my hair. One person insisted that I must have colored my hair. Those of you, who know me personally, know how odd that comment is. I have very short-grey hair. There’s not much I can do differently. But they notice a change.

I fit into theater and I imagine airline seats better. My hips don’t bump the armrests as I get in and out.

My knee and foot pain is lessening.

I can do things like get up and down from the floor easier. I still feel ungainly, but I’m no longer worried that I’ll get stuck midway.

There’s less wobble in my upper arms. It’s still there, but I no longer worry that the rebound will slap me in the head.

What do I do to work out? Well, here’s my current plan and it will change when my job responsibilities change (which happens at each semester and mid-way between each semester and during breaks).

Sunday

: AM Run or Bike ride plus I work out at church. After services, April and Patrick come and lead an exercise class.

Monday: Patrick comes to train

Tuesday: Swim and abdominal class at the Rec Center

Wednesday: It’s a crazy day with me leaving the house at 7 am and I’m not home until 9 PM. I walk the dogs for 30 minutes and I wear a pedometer and get in 10,000 steps.

Thursday: I Bike or Run in the morning and sometimes I swing by the rec center for elliptical, but I think I’ll change that to a swim.

Friday: I go to a circuit training class followed by a Vinyasa Yoga class. In the evening, Jonathan and I have begun a class called “fit camp” it’s a way for us to share a fitness experience with some common goals.

Saturday: Patrick comes at 6AM!!! Rise and shine. I also try to do something active during the day (usually it’s cleaning).

So, what's changed? I have.

Devil on One Shoulder and Angel on Another

The image of a devil on one shoulder and angel on the other is a well-worn one but one I can relate to. Patrick wants to be that angel telling me what I should choose when I’m tempted to listen to the temptations skillfully presented by the one perched on my other shoulder. The truth is I often feel like a pawn played with by God and Satan. In the book of Job, God brags about how Job is a wonderful example of humanity and Satan says, “Of course he is – you’ve provided him with everything. How will he measure up when you take things away from him?”

Here’s how I picture the conversation between God and Satan when it comes to me and my fitness journey.

Satan: I have Karin exactly where I want her: pacified by actions that have no meaning and glued to the TV.

God: I know. She’s sad and lonely and choosing to give up. I love her too much to let her stay this way. I have too many plans that involve her for her to treat herself this way. I know! I’ll have Leona help her to use a fitness and food tracking app.

Satan: How’s that working for you?

God: Not too well. She’s happy for Leona’s progress, but not interested enough to use it for herself. I’m going to have to hit closer to home. I’ll have Jonathan jump on the bandwagon. 

Satan: Hee, hee, hee, that’s a fail if ever I saw one. Now Karin is angry at Jonathan for changing. I might just be able to keep Karin complacent and break up her marriage.

God: Come on, Karin. Can’t you see what’s happening around you? Fight!

Satan: Curses! She’s getting out of her chair, choosing to exercise, and using the app to track her eating. I think giving her a hand problem that needs surgery will slow her down.

God: Hah! No it hasn’t she’s a determined woman and she’s found ways to modify her workout. I’m going to reward her by giving her a trainer for free.

Satan: Drat! I can’t seem to get a hold of her, especially since she decided to hire the trainer. I’ll have to try another thing. I’ll make her tear off her toenail the day of a 5K race. If that doesn’t work, I’ll give her a hamstring injury.

God: I think you’re up for a fight, my friend. She’s not stopping no matter what you throw at her. She has too much of a support group, and she’s doing enough different activities that she has ways to stay active even when things hurt.

Satan: I’m not giving up

God: Neither is she.