Okay, so people have been wondering why I’ve not blogged in
a while. Of course the first answer is
that I have not had much time to give to this task. Another answer, equally
valid, is that I have not made as many self-discoveries as I did when I began
this process. Another, more subtle, answer is that the honeymoon is over.
Time is not my enemy in this process. Actually it is my
friend. I have all the time that God gives me on this planet to accomplish the
task of living my life. It now includes more activity and eating less of some
things and more of others: nonetheless, I truly have all the time I need.
Some of you know how erratic my schedule is. Because I do a
variety of jobs at the Community College, my time is divided into the semester
workload as well as the busy periods where I am on-call to help out. Since I am
a creature of habit, any fluctuation in my schedule impacts everything in my
life, and certain areas are the first to feel the impact. Some areas are
neglected because I know they will weather the storm. For example, I might not
clean house or write my blog. Other areas are not as developed and buckle under
the pressure – this is where my food struggles and workout management show
their weaknesses. I’ve noticed that some of the little snacky habits such as
after-dinner-eating, or before dinner eating, or give-me-an-excuse-to-eat
eating have crept back in. I’ve also noticed that I’m not getting as many
workouts in or they’re not as intense. The impact of these means slower
downward motion on the scale.
In the beginning, I was so enthusiastic about my new found
strength and motivation. I analyzed what I was doing and how it made a
difference in many facets of my life. Yet, at some point in this journey, I
learned that I am the same person I’ve always been. I have changed how I spend
my time or what I eat, but I’m still the same person (warts and all). Like
Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, Kansas was there all along; I only needed to see
it for myself. So my bursts of brilliance when I discovered that I can
accomplish these weight-loss and fitness goals are more like peeling off the
layers of who I am. Some of that person was hidden in layers of fat and
self-loathing – that is NOT who I am, nor is it who I want to be. The downside
to this is that I am and always have been someone who struggles staying
committed.
I find new interests and work them hard for a few months,
but then I lose interest in them. I have had 5 different careers! I have had
numerous hobbies. I go into these full-force with guns a-blazin’ and then burn
out. Something becomes difficult or I simply think the grass is greener, and I
give up. The honeymoon is over. I’m afraid that I’m going through this right
now with my fitness plan. I have reached the goal where I can buy clothes in a
regular size (no matter that it’s still L or XL). I can exercise effectively
(no matter that my push-ups are still on my knees). Things have not become
routine enough for me to do them on auto-pilot. I have some injuries and want
to use them as an excuse to stop exercising. I still want to feed my weary soul
with food that doesn’t satisfy. See – I’m still the same person.
I need to remind myself that this is a journey. I have all
the time I need to accomplish this. The struggles are good because they make me
think and provide checks and balances. Eating right and exercise are a part of
who I am – confident and in control. Saying ”no” to an unhealthy habit is not
depriving myself, it’s empowering myself to be stronger.
Ah, gentle readers, some of this is really hard. Getting out
of the house to go to a workout class is hard. Facing my eating demons head on
is hard to do over, and over, and over again. Knowing that the workouts will
get more intense and it takes more effort to burn the fat is hard. Keeping this
up forever is hard. However, some of this is easy. Working with Patrick is
easy. Receiving encouraging compliments is easy. Giving my all in a workout is
easy. Eating good food is easy. Taking this all one hour or minute at a time is
easy. Don’t give up – it might seem easy at the time, but it’s easier to keep
going than to get going once you’ve stopped.
