Balance

My scale must be broken! Its ability to gauge weight loss must be impaired because it has slowed down. Okay- I know the problem doesn’t lie with the scale-the problem is with my insistence on using the scale for my sole measurement of success.

I knew this day would come; I’ll leave it to the scientists to explain the physics behind this, but I know that the weight loss I can achieve when I have 100# to lose is greater week by week than now when I have 45# left. Nevertheless, it’s difficult to stay positive and motivated when my weight loss slows down. Of course, since much of my eating is tied to my emotions, I am drawn to eating to pacify myself. I don’t have a lot of quick junk in the house to eat. I used to slather ¼- ½  C of peanut butter on buttered bread and down a Diet Coke. Then I’d add a few cookies- the big Costco kind. I don’t know how many calories that is, but I’d venture it’s more than the 300 that I try to keep my meals at and certainly more than I need for a snack. So what does a needy girl do? First I popped some popcorn. Then I took some grated mozzarella cheese, put it on a plate, and microwaved it for 45 sec. It melts into a gooey, chewy substance. I must confess – it was good! But it wasn’t what I really needed.

I needed to look at my progress as a whole. I’ve taken off 80 pounds! I’ve changed not only my habits but my outlook about a healthy lifestyle. A co-worker recently asked me if I felt different. I know what she was getting at; she wanted me to describe improved energy and general health- she is overweight and suffers from poor health and fatigue. I have been blessed with good health, so she seemed disappointed when I said that the biggest difference I feel is inside. I fit better- physically and metaphorically. I relate to others on more levels. I am treating myself very well by committing to daily activity and thoughtfully planned meals. There is little to tap into my insecurities now as I too can share my experiences in exercise and training, and I can sympathize with those who struggle with their weight. I used to allow my weight to give me an excuse to separate myself from others. I would participate, and I assumed people were judging me because of my weight. I know what it is to face discrimination especially when someone who has never struggled with obesity assumes that weight loss of gain is a matter of willpower, yet I’d stay off to the side so people couldn’t get to know me better.

The confidence that I’ve gained has allowed me to experience a better life. So, when I get on the scale and it hasn’t budged, I can’t – I won’t go back to those insecure actions that prove I’ve let a number defeat me or define how I feel for the day. That number will decrease. It might take longer, but it will happen; however, it won’t happen if I crumble emotionally and focus on only one aspect of my weight loss journey.

There is a balance to all this. When one side of that balance, weight or clothes size, decreases, the other side increases. I have increased my health to the extent I no longer have to face the doctor with fear or trepidation. I have increased my fitness ability. I never thought I’d be considering a triathlon or doing jumping jacks. I’m saying things like, “I can try that.” What a powerful statement! If I could give one piece of advice, it would be to tell yourself that you can TRY anything. I have increased my ability to say I CAN.

The scale doesn’t measure that.

Dancing with The Trainer

 One of the reality shows that has become a phenomenon is Dancing With the Stars. Versions of it are made worldwide in 47 different countries. I guess what I like about it is that I can see these celebrities grow and learn as they work with a pro.

The athletes and entertainers seem to have an advantage over the reality stars or newscasters. Those reality stars have a tough go of it. They have become “stars” by having little to no talent or direction, and they often seem confused when faced with the challenge of the task. When I started my journey, it was as a reality star. I felt I could do this but had no idea about the effort it would take. I didn’t want to face the fact that I had little to no skill and that I had let my defenses trick me into believing I was okay with the physical and mental pain I was living with.

As my journey has progressed, I can relate to the entertainer. I know what it is like to put on a show. I work real hard and things come together. Sometimes I have a tantrum because not everyone sees my brilliance or I don’t see it. I had a tantrum last week. I received lots of compliments about how I looked, so I really felt like I was doing a great job; like a star, my ego was stroked. Then I went to the store to look for clothes. I know better than this, but I let the size on the jacket I was eyeing dictate my worth. And it seemed as if I hadn’t accomplished anything. I also realized that I’m tired, and I still have a long way to go. I felt like giving up, but the show must go on. One thing the entertainers know is that they are going to be tired. They also know how to take direction and criticism (whether it comes from a trainer or themselves) Like a star, I know that this show still needs more work.

It seems obvious that the athletes have an edge on this show. They know what it takes to train to achieve a goal, and they understand the relationship they have with the coach. The hardest part for them is often the showmanship, but that’s where their coach comes in. The big thing that they know that I am coming to realize is that this journey is never ending. Each week there’s a “game” to play. Each week, they get ready for the next game. Their work is not done on Tuesday after the show. They are back working that very night. They look to their coach for guidance but they also know that they have work to do.

 In a way, I have a new respect for that relationship. I can, of course, relate to someone like Kirstie Alley. She too is a big girl who wants to succeed and will use humor to keep going. Her partner is Maks, who has been pinned as a hard and harsh trainer. He doesn’t mince words and sometimes comes off as unfeeling. Many a tear and tantrum have occurred under his tutelage. Patrick is more like Tony: a nice guy who knows his stuff. Sometimes I feel sorry that Tony has not gone far with his partners. He gets the old ones or the pretty ones, but he doesn’t get the Olympians or the sharp entertainers. This season, Tony has a great partner, and I hope to see them week after week.

Working with Patrick has helped me understand the relationship these stars have with their pro. Here’s someone who wants me to do well. He will modify my workouts to accommodate my issues, but will push me harder than I thought I’d ever go and certainly harder than I would do on my own. Like the stars, I have my tantrums, but I also have my moments of great personal gain. When I get on the scale week after week, and the numbers keep going down, it’s like getting a 10 from Len. When they go up, it’s like when Carrie Ann gives that little smile with the tilt of the head to deliver the bad news. When I accomplish a new task – one that I never thought I’d do, it’s like when Bruno gets out of his seat with his hands flailing and spewing metaphors. It’s a great moment.

Eating the Frog

Some theorists say that procrastination is a way to protect ourselves.  We protect ourselves from things that might be uncomfortable or find us vulnerable.

My daughters have recently described productive procrastination. They don’t do what they are supposed to do, but they do something useful instead. The logic here is that they are not totally wasting time; they’re just not doing what they really need to be working on at the moment.

Here’s some “food for thought:” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0W7GB5Fh2XM it’s a fun, short video about procrastination.

The part that rings true for me in this video is the part about how there is nothing so fatiguing as an undone task.

I know that if I don’t exercise first thing in the morning, and I don’t  have it scheduled into the day, it might not get done. I will find other things to do. It’s fairly easy to get at this first thing in the summer when the sun is up by 5Am and it’s warm. It gets harder, physically and emotionally, to do this in the winter when it’s cold and dark. I don’t want to get on my bike in the dark. I know there are a number of flashing, strobing, and blinding lights I can attach to my bike or myself that will make me able to see and be seen, but I’m not a fan of, what my daughter calls, circus techniques. As for running or walking, this isn’t so bad because I’m not going so fast and I go against traffic. My reflective gear is helpful. The worst part is when drivers are pulling out of their driveways.

 The cold weather has other considerations. I’m learning about layering my clothing. I don’t want to wear things that are heavy or things that will flop around, and because I check my watch and need to push buttons, my cozy mittens aren’t the best choice. The worst part is having a runny nose. I have carried tissues with me, but there isn’t a good place to put them in my non-floppy, no pocket, reflective, yet breathable gear. I used to think that the globs I saw on the street were spit – no, they’re snot. I’ve noticed a number of nose-blowing techniques. I use a blow-pinch-throw method that usually works.

I’ve seen runners throughout the winter months and thought they were out of their minds. I guess I’ll be joining the crazies this winter. I’ll just eat the frog and get my exercise in.