Falling off the Wagon

If I were a dog, I would eat when my owner fed me. I’d beg for food in the hopes of getting a treat, and I would work my best to manipulate the system.  I would be at the mercy of my human or circumstances beyond my control. Since I am a human, I have been empowered with free will. As an adult, I should be able to logically create meal plans and eat what I’ve prepared. I should be able to portion my food, and I should be able to control when, where, and what I eat. It’s only logical, right?

So far in this journey, I have modified a lot of my eating. I no longer have carbs after noon and I’m surviving just fine. I have a protein with each meal and snack and this keeps me from being hungry. If I do get hungry, I remember that my meal will come eventually and I don’t have to eat right away.  I keep a container of chopped, peeled, or sliced vegetables in the refrigerator so that I can easily grab a portion when I need some veggies. I use a scale to weigh portions and pack up leftovers right away so I’m not tempted to help myself to seconds. When my meals are planned I don’t feel deprived because I make a variety of foods, and even in Patrick doesn’t like that I eat Walnuts and Dried Cherries for a snack, I choose to do this and still get the results I want. I AM in CONTROL.

Well – mostly. The above plan is quite logical. Emotions are not logical, and I am an emotional overeater. Every once in a while I just lose control. This last weekend (Labor Day) I was totally alone in the house. The girls are back at their respective colleges, and Jonathan took the weekend to be with friends. I held it together fairly well. I had my menus all planned and plenty of activities to keep me distracted. Logically, there was no reason for me to have any uncontrolled eating.

Let me take a side-trip to filling emotional holes. Here’s what it’s like: you have an emptiness that can’t be filled. Maybe you’re lonely, maybe you’re hurting. Perhaps you don’t want to feel something, perhaps you do. It’s illogical, but the emotional hole needs to be filled. Of course there are healthy ways to deal with this – distraction (exercise, cleaning, gardening, and hobbies) and confrontation (prayer, logic, and talk-therapy) are some of the ways that I’ve found useful. Then there are the unhealthy ways, and for me – right now- that’s eating food that is not on the plan and, trust me, the food is rarely fresh fruit or vegetables.

Saturday night I was feeling lonely, abandoned, de-valued, and purposeless. I wanted to fill the hole. I started with chocolate. I have some in the house. The theory is that I can have one piece of dark chocolate (around 50 calories) as a treat each day if I want it. Having this option helps me to avoid feeling deprived, and I don’t eat this every day, but every now and then I want some. I had 8 pieces. I didn’t stop there. I spread some Laughing Cow Cheese on toasted bread . You might be thinking, gee – if it were me, I’d have ordered a pizza or consumed a container of ice cream. I’ve done that in the past, but, A. We don’t have too much junk food in the house anymore, and B. I didn’t want to fall that far off the wagon. That’s how I know I’m making some real changes.

My fall could really have been a lot worse, but I’m managing my demons a lot better. I’ve certainly come to a different stage of my journey when last year I would have eaten a whole bag of chocolate or slathered ½ a jar of peanut butter onto 3 or 4 sandwiches. This time I consumed around 800 calories (I’d already burned 600 in my exercise that day). I stopped myself and shifted gears.

My emotions will always be there. My demons will always torment me, and I will sometimes loose the battle, but I’m winning the war. I’m winning more battles than I’m losing, and my measurements, my weight, my diminishing pain, and my increased sense of self-worth are not only the evidence of these wins, but some of my weapons.

Okay, so I fell off the wagon. It’s only a big deal if I stay off.